thoughts after eight months
2November 13, 2013 by narvyspeaks
Tonight I’m at a loss for how to express my thoughts. And you know why? Because I am so hyper-aware of this sense that I need to be able to quantify and verbalize exactly how I’m doing whenever someone asks or even when I anticipate this question, yet I have no idea what to say.
I’m very conscious of having made it clear that I want my son to be part of conversation, that I want my motherhood to be acknowledged, that I wish people to accept that I’m not completely okay. And yet, when these things are brought up during phone calls, visits, or virtual messages…I find my responses woefully lacking.
The woefully lacking responses make me feel like I have become very BLAH. But guess what? I’ve always been that ‘blah’ person! This is nothing new. At least until Zeke. The time I spent with him last year changed me – perhaps not so much outwardly, but inside – from a person who wondered and ‘kind of’ felt into a person who owned her experiences and feelings. I had such clarity of thought, stability of conviction, and nakedness of emotion…and I seemed capable of expressing myself truly.
Yet now, well, now I seem to have slid slowly back toward my default position of ‘blah’. And that space doesn’t tend to generate satisfying answers. It leaves me feeling restless and wishing like crazy that those days of knowing weren’t so far in the past.
So. If you’ve tried to do just as I’ve asked, bringing up the sadness and asking how I’m doing, and I’ve seemed to brush your words aside and change the subject, I’m sincerely sorry. I wish I knew how to navigate these waters better, but I don’t.
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Miss you, Zeke! Your squishy little face was just the thing I needed to see before bed last night, and the photo on the wall made me smile…
goat cheese and goober pea(s) 
Don’t we kind of need “blah” spaces in life, to be able to handle it? We need down time. On the other hand, we probably also cling to blah for the ease and comfort of it, even if it isn’t as real or alive as the big moments. I know I prefer to drift along and ignore the big stuff–but it does leave me feeling like I never get anywhere, or at least I’m not so aware of where I am getting to.
However–I don’t think you are blah and even if a conversation is banal sometimes, that’s life and I like to share it with you!
I wandered onto the internet today to see how you’ve been doing. I seem to only run into you in passing and haven’t had much of a chance to ask you how you are or what’s new or anything at all, really. I’m glad that you’re still sharing your thoughts with us. You don’t owe us anything profound – sometimes life isn’t anything specific. . . it just is. And that’s okay.
On a somewhat related note, I saw the photo of you and Michael in Alexis’ The Quiet Rebuild project. Beautiful. I’m glad you two have each other to lean on :).